In Moments Like This…

Only did I recently realized the feeling of being misunderstood. A lot of times, I thought the message was just not clearly conveyed but to actually experience for myself that sometimes, good intentions can be perceived as bad was more than what I bargained for.

I shall spare you the details but let me share one thing: it hurts. It hurts to the point of wanting to give up not because of losing all hope but to the point of wanting to just let go, realizing, I’ve wasted enough time. Let me leave it to someone who can understand and will be understood. Then maybe, it will be alright.

Which makes me wonder: how many times have I misunderstood people? And how many people have I misunderstood? And subsequently, how many of them were hurt? I wonder who do I owe apologies to and will they ever forgive me for misunderstanding them? Has the hurt been healed or is it still fresh? I hope they would forgive me…

I am not concerned about my hurt now. It was painful yeah, but I know that it wasn’t intentional and I hold it not against the person. I know I’m not perfect and I have a lot of rough edges that needs to be polished… I am just hopeful that for those whom I’m misunderstood, they’ll accept my apologies and that time would heal the pain.

I know it’s been indeed a long time since I last posted an entry here. somehow, I thought I’d want to just post another one again. hehe =)

I thought I’d want to write something more meaningful and sensical since it’s been indeed a long time but well, i can’t seem to think of something worth writing about..

It’s indeed not easy to do so. Writing a composition and allowing one’s thoughts to flow freely could mean two different things altogether. One of which is the fact that free flow of thoughts does not really guarantee a piece/entry worth reading. That’s when nonsense can happen rather than rational. But composition might as well end up like a blabber too! Ranting on and on about something, beating around the bush or just basically writing about something with some evidences, most probably more sensible than "nonsense."

It’s in these times that one would find himself/herself reading and editing the entry and trying to see if it does appeal to one’s taste or preference. A composition is considered good if it leaves a lasting impression. Somehow, I find that a good conclusion is better than a superb introduction. True, first impressions last but last impression sticks the longest. It’s not that easy to come up with a piece worth reading as a lot of times, one is restricted with expression and words and even knowledge regarding the subject at hand. I have to say that I admire those who can just pick up a pen and a paper (in this present age, it’ll be turning on the computer and signing in to any blog site) and express thoughts impressively in one go, without having to edit or change anything. I’d like to be able to do that one day but as of the moment, i have pressed the backspace key a lot of times to rephrase or change some words along the way.

Now, i know it has come to the end. What of this nonsense and blabber? A continuous expression of one’s random thoughts, sometimes done with some thinking, most of the time, lacking in thought, that one bored person just decided to do to provoke the person reading it. Kind of pointless though. but, I’m posting it anyway. If the content isn’t very appealing, just appreciate the effort. Thank you.

this will be my last (i think) post for this blog. i have started a new one in yahoo 360. if you still want to read my entries, just click here.. haha it’s been fun updating this blog though..

cheerios!

czarina   ^_^

i could not explain what happened.. the moment i lay down on my bed, tears just started falling. somehow, there’s a burden in my heart that is left unspoken. or maybe, there’s something in me that i could not express and i am totally clueless about it. =(

There are situations in life that can be overwhelming. Sometimes, they cause us worry and anxiety; it can either cause us to eat more or less.. depending on the effect of stress, our body will sometimes respond to these things first before our emotions do. And when the emotion is taken for granted, that’s when it really hurts, you won’t understand why your mood is always sour/bad.. =s

It is important at times to take care of our hearts.. not just physically but emotionally. there would definitely hurts and wounds along the way but nursing the wound would not help. sometimes, it makes our hearts even more fragile than it already is. ignoring the wound can harden our hearts and cause us to be bitter in everything. so, what do you do? i have no remedy but this is one thing that I learnt: lift it up to God. God loves us and He will take care of our hearts when we leave it into His care. He knows how to mend a ‘broken’ heart.

However, it’s not only the heart that we should take care of. We should also consider our soul. Constantly feed it so that it will not starve and die eventually. Most of the time, it’s the soul that keeps the heart strong and intact and the body disciplined and determined. At times, we only look into our physical appearances or just listen to our emotions. Did you ever hear your soul cry? did you ever feel like giving up? did you think it’s because your heart says so or is it because your spirit is in the dumps? when you are discouraged, stand up and encourage another person. do not stay in a corner and have a pity party. it never worked; it will just make things worse. one of my friends sent me this and i think this is really true:

"always think of one happy thought each day. once a happy thought gets started, you can’t help but feel warmhearted…"

when you are feeling sad, it is your choice, at the end of the day, to continue being sad or finding a reason to be thankful and joyful. often, it’s better to think of good things than bad.. after all, smiling uses less muscles than frowning. =D

hehe we went to NUS earlier and when we are on the way back, there’s been like 3 buses that we did not ride coz they are all full! duh! we won’t be able to get in anyway.. oh well. i guess because we are really desperate to get out of the place, we just took the next available bus that we saw. in the end, it was an "enjoyable" ride with a lot of laughters.. haha that was supposed to be a sarcastic thing. we happen to get on the bus and the smell was not really a pleasant one.. we were laughing at ourselves (ate tere, ate ashley, ate joy and i) and we were really hoping that we will get off the bus soon! haha my stop came and i am happy i got off before i really can’t take it.. =s

thinking of this, i was reminded about one article that i read about relationships being compared to waiting for a bus.. sometimes, we let buses pass us by because we think it’s not suitable for us. and then, when it gets later and we realize that we are running out of time, we just hop on to the next bus that we see and sometimes, only after we got into the bus that the bus that we have been waiting for arrives.. only, we are no longer at the bus stop to take the ride.. =s i don’t know what’s happening but it seems like ‘love is in the air’.. well, i realized i have been hearing and even participating in conversations that involves love and relationships. oh well, let me share my "bus stop" insight on that.

1. know where you want to go - sometimes, we got on the wrong bus because we don’t know where we really want to go. Logically, if we know where we want to go, we know which bus to take and it saves us of taking the wrong bus and ’suffering’ until you pushed yourself to get off the bus.

2. count the cost - if you take two or more buses instead of one, of course you have to pay more. in the same way, before we get into any committment, it is helpful to ask: am i willing to pay this much? am i willing to take in an extra "fare" just to get into my destination? my take in this is: why waste on extra fares (and waiting time?) if i can take a straight bus?

3. wait patiently– it’s worth it - sometimes, we get scared because we feel like we are running out of time but what is time anyway? would not love be sweeter if you really waited for it? it’s like, wouldn’t you feel relieved and better if, after a long wait at the stop, you got on the bus that is comfortable and will give you a ride straight to your destination? sometimes, if you really know where you are heading to and what kind of bus you are waiting for, you will not mind waiting for a long time for you will be comfortable in the end. come to think of it, it’s for your own good to wait patiently. you not only learn how to be patient (which is a virtue, i must add) but you also get the best! is that not a win-win situation?

knowing where you are headed to, in any relationship you are in, be it with friends, with family/loved ones, and even with God, when you determine where you want to go from your ’starting point’ will simplify your life (most of the time) coz it gives you a sense of direction and orientation in life. it helps you to know which bus to take.. at times, when you think that you are lost, as long as you are confident that you are on the right bus, you need not to worry coz you will reach your destination definitely. for me, that’s a lot better than getting on the next available stop and trying to figure which stop to get off and which bus to take next. it’s scary for me coz, "what if there’s no other buses that will stop at the stop to get me to my destination?" i guess i can’t just take that risk. i’d rather wait.. =)

Haha i had my Hanzi (meaning Chinese Characters) quiz earlier. I can’t say it’s not bad but i can’t really say it’s very good as well.. =s basically, i think i was able to do more than half of the quiz but in other parts, well, i was completely blank. there’s this last part where i have to ‘translate’ the sentence "i like to study language" into chinese.. and of course, i don’t know the characters for those words except for the ‘I’. after the quiz, i actually started asking myself: "do i really like to study language?" until now, i have no answer.

but come to think of it, this brought me to a basic question of: do I really like what i am doing? i know i like studying mathematics and physics.. but, how about the rest that I am taking now, like language and writing? i have to say that the writing part is not really a problem for me coz i enjoy writing. i am quite confident that I can get an A for that (not bragging, here, seriously) but it’s not a graded module. I just have to pass it and then, i don’t have to take it anymore.. =D but how about language? sure it is fun to learn a new language but deep inside, i realize that i am quite apprehensive about learning a new language. maybe it’s the thought that my tagalog is not as good as i hoped it to be (though there’s not a lot of effort on my part to improve it) and i do not want that to happen when i started learning Chinese. what’s the point of saying this? i am reminded of the verse in the Bible where it say "before anyone builds a tower, count the cost" or something along that line and really spoke to me about committment. how much effort are you going to place in anything that you find yourself doing? on a scale of 10, 10 being the highest, how committed are you when you are doing something? and honest answer for me is "it depends.. do i like it or not?"… and it is a challenge to be fully committed to whatever you do whether you like it or not. if you will not give it your best, you might as well not start on it. let others who may really have the heart to do it do it..

i am greatly challenged with my chinese (as well as for my tagalog).. and i really want to improve on both languages. i hope to be good at both and today i make a committment, i will try my best and not give up in learning no matter how difficult i find it to be.. =p

I couldn’t sleep last night. Actually, as early as 1130pm, I was already trying to get some sleep coz I have nothing else to do for the day (how unusual, i should say).. but it’s only after 3am that I fell asleep. I tried sleeping. Closed my eyes and tried thinking of nothing.. i even resorted to counting sheeps! unfortunately, it didn’t work. =( haha and i even did some exercise (in the dark coz my roommate’s already asleep) thinking that i only lack some exercise. =p but well, i just ended up sweating and having to take a shower again and the worst was, i was wide awake after that.. wrong move. i was tempted to take sleeping pills but i decided against it. in the end, i thought i’d rather read something so I read the Bible, Song of Songs, in particular. And these are the verses that are stuck with me throughout the day.. "..Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." (3:5b) and "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." (8:7)

This made me realize how powerful love can be.. when ‘awaken’ at a time that it’s not supposed to be, it can do more harm than good and it such a committment that one can be ‘impoverished’ by it. Sometimes, love is a force that consumes the whole being of a person. chapter 8:7 actually reminds me how much God loves me that nothing can stop Him from loving me.. No matter how many times I may disappoint Him, He will never stop loving me but instead, He will show me how much He loves me all the more. And nothing will cause Him to give up loving me. It’s a nice thought that someone loves me unconditionally and i feel overwhelmed with that love. I feel like I need nothing else but God coz in Him, I know i’ll be accepted and loved no matter what. And I believe that the same goes for you. God loves you.. Whoever you are and no matter what you have done before. God loves you and He sent His Son, Jesus to die on the cross so that you can have a life of freedom and abundance. All you have to do is accept Him in your life and call unto Him. He will accept you with open arms.. I guarantee that. =p

I actually finished the whole Song of Songs but I was still not able to sleep. It was not really a bad choice coz I felt God talking to me and telling me how much He loves me. But next time, I think I’d rather read textbook when I badly needed to sleep. It’s not good having less than 4 hours of sleep. I was half-witted in my classes earlier. Or maybe, I’ll try reading Numbers! hehe =p

I watched dragonheart (as recommended by nic oh) this morning since I have nothing much to do coz our lecture was cancelled. =D what struck me was when Bowen (the leading actor) told Draco (the Dragon) after seeing a ‘miracle’ that: "Forgive a doubting fool. Call when you needed me.. Ask what you will of me.. My sword, my service are yours.."

Well, of course I thought of my situation and my relationship with God.. That sometimes, I doubt some things that He say. Not because I think He can’t do it but more because I can’t trust myself to receive it. At times, He will give blessings and provision way beyond my expectation and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by them and during those times, I doubt whether I am still worthy of receiving them. But then, the moment I realize that it is just His nature to give me good things, I fall on my knees (sometimes literally though most of the time figuratively) and come before Him saying, "here I am, send me.." Well, I know how heavy those words mean and well, to be honest, sometimes, it’s not easy to live by those words but then, He will always sustain me and help me in everything. He is always by me each and everyday specially when I needed Him most. The final words of the movie say: "and when things become tough, Draco’s stars shone more brightly and things are better.. for all of us know where to look.."

Sometimes, even when things are not easy, if we only know where to look, it will make our life simpler and better.. =) Dragonheart’s a nice movie (and it’s already old).. I learnt a lot from it.  ^-^

feeling like in a limbo.. not knowing where to go.. surprised with the words i speak.. seems like life had gone from bad to worse.. =(

there’s still hope.. i feel.. but it feels really difficult to stand.. when all i see is but a faint chance.. at a lost on what step to take..

if you were me, what would you do? when you know that nearly everything is not what you wished them to be, would you still believe? would you still hold on or just give up?

i hope i didn’t discourage you or something.. before you think i’ve lost all my hope, read on. I AM STILL STANDING!! haha this morning, I woke up with that feeling.. i felt like i’m in a forest and i have no map. well, not until i read the Bible and it said: "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me." - John 10:27

what else is there to say? of course I found my way! it’s just that God reminded me how much of a sheep i am. I need constant reminder of which direction to go to and the constant need to listen to what my Shepherd has to say. My roommate volunteered to do the knocking for me.. but well, i told her there’s not much of a need of that. God already did. =D

One of the gifts that God gave us is the freedom of choice and almost all of us, if not all, will have to make major decisions in life at a certain point in time. For a person like me, most of the time, i want to have others make decisions for me. However, it’s only lately that i realized that all these while, I was the one making decisions at the end of the day! When I ask people for advice or opinion, I am the one who have the choice to either accept it or reject it in the end. Although we are the ones ultimately making decisions in our lives, that doesn’t mean we are not to seek advice and look for godly counsel for it is still good to know another perspective rather than just rely on our own. And being humans, we are not omnipotent as God that we will know what is going to happen if we do something.. at times, our perspective can be short sighted.

I can say I have actually been having rough weeks and to be honest, there had been times when it is hard to get out of bed and face the day. It feels like as time passes by, the delight of seeing the sun had faded and the joy of going to school has been lost in me. And, I have no idea where it went. However, I am faced with the choice of either getting up and moving on or just sleep through the day and let it pass without doing anything. Obviously, I chose the first one but I have no right to say I have no choice but to do so. As a matter of fact, there could be other choices that I can choose like getting up and going out instead of going for classes and lots more.. It’s just that for me, as a student, among the other choices that I have, the most logical thing to do is to get up and go to school. =D

Sometimes, we have to make decisions on our own and everyday, we are faced with choices that are not only attractive but convenient. However, sometimes, these choices are not necessarily the best, or, worse, they are not the right one.. but it’s still an alternative that we are free to choose. At the end of the day, we have to decide and the best thing is, we have the freedom to choose what we want to do.. the only catch is, most of the time, we have no freedom to choose the consequences of our choices. Next time, when we are faced with major decisions in life, it is important to think carefully and choose wisely. It would be good to seek advice from the wise and look for godly counsel. Most of the time, they offer logical and reasonable insights that we might need. At the end of the day, "everything is permissible… but not everything is beneficial…" we are responsible for our own actions…